A Worthy Gamble
by Daelda
Summary: After KotOR, Revan's memories become accessible slowly, if she can trace her way to them through the bits she already remembers. Even though Malak and the Star Forge are defeated, this nagging feeling of dread consumes her, so she follows the timeline of her life forward from the events of the Madalorian Wars.


Slowly, I rolled over and slipped her feet out from under the covers. As they came in contact with the cold floor I cringed, but it didn't deter me. As soundlessly as possible, I slipped out of bed and headed for the door, pausing only briefly to glance nervously back at the bed. Carth didn't seem to have shifted at all, so I pulled the door mostly closed behind me and made my way towards the wide windows in the apartment's living room.

The large panes overlooked the buzzing metropolis of Coruscant – a planet that never seemed to sleep, even in darkness. The thrum of life going on nearby gave me a strange comfort – denial perhaps. If I could only pretend I was part of this picture, just a part of the chaos, then I could forget my own magnitude. But I wasn't one of them. I had ravaged the galaxy at will and then put it back together with my own hands. Even if those were past lives, something inside kept nagging at me – telling me that even this wonderfully organized chaos was an illusion. Deep within, Revan whispered that the galaxy still stood on the brink of disaster – that nothing was solved. Answers must be found, but to what problems, what questions, I couldn't even guess.

In an effort to understand, I dug through old memories, cutting a path forward through time, but the work was slow. I had thought that once Revan and Malak found their destination that answers would be there, but to no avail. As newly-minted Jedi Knights we found the Star Forge, and in the tradition of the code, we gawked and moved on. The only thing remotely dark about our actions was some irreverent roughness and the fact that we didn't tell the Council, but we didn't deem it necessary. The station was so far from traditional space it didn't seem to matter in our young minds. We came as Jedi and left the same.

Logically I knew that these memories took place prior to the Mandalorian Wars, but I always thought it was the taint of the Star Forge that made Revan fall – made me fall. It was easier to believe that, and selfishly I shrank away from the idea of reliving the Wars – even for answers.

"Ley, what are you doing?" Carth's husky voice seemed to cut the silence like a knife. Glancing over my shoulder, I gave him a warm smile, albeit a half-hearted one. I always felt better close to him. Even leaning in the bedroom doorframe, the whole living space felt more bearable with him smiling in it. His expression changed to mild concern at my response. "What was it this time?"

I turned my gaze back out the glass and over the city. "The Star Forge." I said tonelessly. "We found it."

Behind me he let out a long, thoughtful sigh and the doorframe shifted, indicating his approach. The soft sound of his feet moved across the room until he entered my periphery. Without looking, I saw him lean against the window pane and follow my gaze. He was just as afraid as I was to journey through these memories – maybe a little better than me about it. He had faith in me that I only wished I could emulate, especially tonight with these new memories.

"That seems… fast." Carth observed.

I shook my head. "Not really. We were barely Jedi Knights, but I've been through all of it from Dantooine, then Kashyyyk, Manaan, Korriban, and Tattooine; even that planet with the Rakatan that I still don't have a name for… We left exactly as we'd come. I mean we were already arrogant and rash, but nothing changed when we found it. There was no 'dark-side switch' or anything like that. We actually left when we saw how it twisted the force."

"So you knew about it before the Mandalorian Wars?"

I acknowledged it with a nod.

"But even though you acted as part of the Jedi, the Council didn't hear about that? I mean, that sounds like a pretty significant detail. 'By the way, we found an abandoned space station that feeds on and radiates the dark side. We should probably check it out. No big deal.'"

Under my breath I scoffed at his incredulous humor. "Like I said, we were rash and full of ourselves. It seemed inert and it was so far out in the unexplored territories that we figured it would just be a waste of time to investigate further. The idea was that we could keep it hidden, and no one would even find it to cause trouble with. We told the Council our search was fruitless – that whatever the maps pointed to was long gone. I had Malak to confirm it, so the Council never questioned us. They didn't have the details of our endeavors and they didn't trace the path for themselves." I shrugged, "We were still trusted then."

Carth shook his head at the idea. Those times seemed so foreign, like something we watched in the vids instead of galactic history – instead of my own reality. "So no answers?" he asked.

"None," I assured.

My own disappointment reflected in his eyes, but he wasn't surprised. With a sympathetic frown he drifted across the space between us and wrapped me in his arms. In his chest was a wonderful refuge. In that space I could face all the darkness of my past, because he could lend me the strength to persevere. But even with his help, I couldn't help but fear what was coming. There was so much…

"Revan wasn't taken… She fell. We know that, but do you know why it doesn't bother me?" He asked quietly.

"No. It should bother you," I remarked, drawing back enough to let him see the questioning look on my face. "I was prone to it all along. I was responsible for it, not the Star Forge."

"Hey…" he shushed. "Listen to me. You are not Revan. Revan died when Malak betrayed her. Everything she did, everything she was… the Force cleansed you of it. You are everything a Jedi should be, and for the benefit of everyone, you're reading her memoirs. The Council may not agree with it, but they don't know you like I do. I hated Revan with everything in me, but good God… you are something else."

I smiled a little at that. Even oddly stated, it meant a lot and it caused a little bud of apprehension to bloom in my chest. Something Revan's memories told me this wouldn't last… Not wanting to think about it, I pushed it out of my mind. The warmth of Carth's skin and the feel of his arms around me, his dark, laughing eyes; I let them overtake me. This moment was good. This moment was innocent. This was a gift.

"How did we end up here?" I asked. "Remember Taris? When we thought I was just a raw recruit and you would sleep in armor because you couldn't trust me? And now, knowing that I'm Revan, Dark Lord of the Sith, you want to live with me? I'm taking some liberty with this, but now you decide to fall in love with me?"

He searched futilely for an answer and then laughed., "If it helps, I fell for you long before the whole 'dark lord' thing."

This time I didn't even hear it when the apartment door swung open and closed. I sat on the couch that faced the windows, letting the sun fall on my face as visions of the Mandalorian Wars played vividly in my mind's eye. It felt like the glory days. Logically I knew that defying the Council was a serious failing, but nothing about the Mandalorian attacks was black and white. The entire problem was shrouded in gray and even in retrospect there was no easy answer. What I did know was my success and my intentions. With every confrontation I saved hundreds, thousands, millions…

A hand on my shoulder startled me out of my daydreams and a kiss was planted on my forehead before Carth dropped onto the couch beside me. "You look happy," he remarked with a contented smile.

It was strange, the way that all that glory could be eclipsed by his smile, his voice, his touch. I let the memories slip away, freeing my knees from my arm's embrace and letting myself sink back into his side where I fit perfectly.


End file.
